Denial...

It ain't a just a river in Africa! (Bazinga!)

I have been in denial for, well I guess since my last post.

First, I am in denial that it is November 22. Somehow it seems like it is still August. In a few days Kevan and I will have lived at my grandparents' house for five months, this is a lot longer than we had expected. I have survived day by day, but I tell you this...the walls are getting closer and closer.

Second, I was so eager to return to Wisconsin that I never really thought about what it would be like to return and if I really wanted to return anyhow. When I left, I was 25 still a kid in many ways. I still remember the ideal of my family and was so eager to get back to what it was or at least what I thought it was. Now returning as an adult, the luster has faded, the glitter has fallen off and I am realizing that there was a lot that I did not taken into account about my family when I wanted to move back home.

Being here has been great and I don't think that I am saying I would like to leave again. However, I should have been a little less eager to return as quickly as I did. I have been able to be here to participate in some of the ways that I was hoping to, but for some of my family members it doesn't matter who is around because they are so enmeshed in their patterns that with or without me life goes as it always has. I have been in denial about what my purpose was going to be when I got back.

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Perhaps some of you might be thinking I was in denial before we moved. Denial about how hard it was going to be when we got here. Moving to Wisconsin in the middle of a terrible recession/depression without jobs is not the best idea. To you I still say we are Brave and not smart but Brave.

The other day, Kevan and I were in the car and we somehow got onto the discussion of hall government in Abel Hall (Abel being the residence hall we both worked in and shared a hall government.). The conversation was like turning on the hot water full blast and the water being instantly hot. We had very different opinions of what we were talking about, and felt strongly about what were trying to say. We were clearly frustrated and began to "fight" with each other. I don't feel like we have had such a heated discussion like that since we left Nebraska - at least not about something as trivial or lacking overall impact on our life as hall government. This however was a discussion we got into at least three times a week while we worked together and it would not have been any better if we stayed even if one of us quite.

Something I have to remind myself is that Kevan and I have not even been able to set ourselves up here yet. Right now we are still living in someone else's house, depending on others (what a bitter taste admitting that). Of course everything isn't going to be all great right away we are not in a position to do that yet. No it has not been what we expected, but we have had an awesome time being around the people that we each love. It has been great to be here for my family and for Kevan's family. I may be in denial, but maybe not - maybe I am just focusing on the positive :) and I am not so worried about the setbacks and the unexpected.